Suck it up Buttercup!

"Being myself was not a choice."

That was the answer when I asked a friend about his experience with toxic masculinity. 

Toxic masculinity is the unhealthy influence of society towards men and Trans folks, based on their knowledge of a model "man". In other words, society's notion of "manliness" is harmful to other people as well as men. Perpetuating aggression, homophobia, misogyny, domination etc.

Because of this toxic influence or notion, men are more likely to repress themselves, leading to mental health issues like stress, depression and other psychological problems. They are more likely to feel hostile, lonely, and may even find it difficult to make social bonds. This also leads to extreme cases such as suicide. 

Toxic masculinity has also aid fuel transphobia/transmisia, leading to the isolation and stigmatizing of trans folks, preventing their freedom of expression for the fear of violence. This adds to the mental health issues they already may have been facing, worsening gender dysphoria. Most folks can't get the help and support they need due to their toxic environment, internal struggles or other factors.

This stigma, when looking at the bigger picture, has profound dreadful effects. Trans folks are denied basic human necessities, like housing and healthcare. Extremist campaigns have lead to brutality, which even the authorities chose to turn a blind eye upon. It also continues to mislead the understanding of HIV.

Credits to Kody @zipenne from Twitter

https://mobile.twitter.com/zipenne (here's the link if you want to support this artist)

We all grew up shaped by Society's influence and mindset of a "Paradigm Person." The certain way a certain person, or in this case - Gender, must behave, dress, talk, look etc. This, in turn, affects one's mental health and attitude, reducing them to believe in gender norms. And when these gender norms are dared, there seems to be an earthquake around the patriarchal headquarters (/s).

I asked my friends and on my social media, if anyone has experienced and/or witnessed toxic masculinity in their environment and received quite eye-opening responses.

Few of them went on about the toxic masculinity witnessed on their brothers. People often reprimanded them for wearing traditionally feminine products like makeup and nail paint. Sexist phrases were used to deter boys from connecting and processing emotions. 

Ironic since anger is also an emotion, mostly used as an excuse to justify violence by men.

And since femininity was always antagonized and perceived as "soft." Boys doing anything remotely feminine was always characterised and understood as helpless and vulnerable. Or as most traditionalists would state, "not a real man."

Hence Toxic masculinity also continues to antagonize femininity.  No surprise there.

I took the liberty to ask a few cishet boys (around my age group) to give their uptake on the subject and received common answers concluding," it doesn't really matter to me, as long as they are a good person at the end of the day." I even asked, if amab folks expressed their feminine side more, does it really determine their sexual orientation. A couple of them denied it, while others stated maybe. 

This is essentially because queer culture has, for centuries, challenged gender norms. Which gave rise to queer stereotypes, including "soft" masculinity. But it is in fact false. 

There is no specific way a queer person should appear or behave, and it all depends on one's personality and how one expresses themselves. Actually, there is no certain way anyone should appear or behave, including men.

But I certainly concur with the fact it's no one's dilemma. Let people be who they are, as long as they are not hurting anyone in any way.

"I had to create a different personality to avoid the judgement and harsh treatment. I never felt I had the liberty to be myself and was often told to 'man up,' 'don't be so dependent,' 'if you do so and so, you are probably gay,' 'don't act so emotional, you need to be strong,' 'you act like a girl.' The list is toxic and misogynistic and utterly disgusting.

I once said I wanted to be a fashion designer and was simply met with mocking laughter. They called me gay, implying it as an offence. So we can add homophobia to that list. "

Replied the anonymous friend. 

As usual, the dire effect of this on mental health was given a blind eye. It continues the victimizing of non-cis folks, fuels gender dysphoria, promotes isolation etc.

In simpler terms, toxic masculinity ostracizes folks who do not fit into patriarchy's "criteria".

I find it truly absurd how most of the objects we own, or language we use, are somehow categorized by the binary gender. How almost everything is unnecessarily categorized by gender. 

Recent launches for men's cosmetics received immense repercussions, concluding that masculinity is in "peril". The review/comment sections are entertaining because it's always a thrill to witness overgrown cishet men's fragile masculinity on display. Are you seriously wounded because a man wore make-up or a dress?

The entire concept of gender is a social construct. We made this classification based on peoples genitals and continued to enforce our "perception" of what a man and a woman should be. Hence the concept of masculinity and femininity and the classification of everyday objects by gender is normalised and maintained. 

Although misinterpreted as a modern phenomenon, it's actually the contrary.

The term originated from the late 20th century, in the mythopoetic men's movement. The movement aimed to restore traditional masculinity or what they stated as "deep masculinity", as a response to second-wave feminism. According to the movement, this aggression was the result of society denying a man's true expression of how a "real man" is supposed to be. This influenced the reservation to violence and dominance, which in turn stirred not only their milieu but even their own mental health.

Toxic Masculinity and its effects can also be witnessed in greek history, regarding the story of Euripide's Hippolytus, a celibate male, who challenged sexual norms and was disgraced by his father, who started his son didn't fit the definition of a "real man."

Eradicating the aeon's worth of society's conditioned mindset of toxic masculinity and the process of learning to unlearn is an arduous battle but not impossible. 

It's also important to address toxic masculinity in our environment before it escalates to more profound issues. 

First and foremost, it is important to recognize toxic masculinity is a problem and validate those who speak about their experiences of it. 

Normalise being vulnerable around close ones (despite gender): empathy and emotional awareness of oneself and others can help people connect and encourage emotional attachments. It even decreases mental health issues and influences the idea of open-mindedness, and decreases aggressive and violent behaviour.

Bring forth the concept of toxic masculinity and educate people around you on the ill outcomes of it. Cease the habits and mindset of influencing the gender norm behaviours. 

Influence the freedom of expression of oneself. There is no 'right' way one should behave or act. 

Stop antagonizing the concept of femininity. One can express themselves however they please, regardless of whether it is masculine or feminine. 

There is no stationary description of masculinity and femininity, it's simply a label that can be defined however you seem fit. Remember everyone has their own interpretation of labels, and it's very much valid.

End using phrases like "you are gay if u do feminine things," "don't run like a girl" etc. It is homophobic and sexist. Stop stigmatizing femininity by portraying it as "weak."

Intervene when you witness aggressive and violent behaviours or inform someone with more authority. This sort of violence and aggression can be in the form of misogyny, emotional abuse, homophobia, or other forms of oppression.

Recognizing and finding a solution to end this form of toxicity is also part of the long journey of ending gender inequality, accepting queer folk and regarding the matter of how vast gender is, and that there are genders that exist outside the binary.

Looking forward to your remarks, feedback and suggestions and constructive criticism.